Have I changed? hell yeah, i did. Some part, it was good, while some it was bad. I’ve turned into something my 8 yr old self would somehow be proud, and would somehow be ashamed of.
Ofcourse we’ve all hurt people. We’ve all made mistakes. While people made mistakes, I made lots of them. I just want things to be okay –the usual. I’m in good terms with everyone. I thought that was something possible, but then it wasn’t. You can’t really please everyone.
Something is wrong with me, obviously. I get so confused with my thoughts or whatsoever and I always end up screwing things up and then i’d go ignoring them, pretending they don’t exist and then wait until things are okay again.
Have I changed? That is the question. People say i did. From being that ‘gentleman’ or whatever they call me, from being the ‘douche’ or what. Ofcourse I know that. But the thing is, i’m still trying to be a gentleman to ladies. I mean, i open doors for them, let the lady go first in riding the tricycle whenever she’s at the back of the line or what.
But ofcourse i’ve turned douchy. I flirted with girls and right now, i’ve said my words too much that it lost its meaning. Since this ‘thing’ happened, i’ve stopped. I may still talk to girls, well ofcourse you can never take that away from me. I’ve got loads of friends, and i check up on them often, if they’re okay or not. If people mistake that still as flirting, i have nothing to explain/defend anymore. What people think of you is none of your business. And i’m proud to say i’ve finally achieved that ‘independence of the mind’ or what you call it. That ‘i-don’t-care-about-what-people-think-of-me-anymore’ feeling.
I don’t like it when people point out your mistakes. Like they’d slap the hard truth you’re slowly trying to digest. I strongly believe that if people are smart enough to point out your flaws, they’re simply too ignorant to notice theirs.
As much as possible, i free myself from hatred. I don’t like containing hatred inside me because it’s like slowly poisoning your body. As they say ‘bitterness is like drinking a poison and expecting the other person to die’.
I’m always that friend that’s always available. I mean, i’m always the first to find out if something’s wrong or what. But then when it comes to me, when i have problems, a few only ask. Sometimes i just have myself. And that really sucks.
I may say i am wise. But not really that wise. I mean i’m still young and foolish, and i have to one first to be that wise. I like philosophy. Super. I like reasoning or understanding life or whatsoever.
See how much i’ve changed? Back then, i had so much fears and doubts. And i think i’ve let go of most of them that’s why i finally revealed who i really am. Whatever people think of me, be it the douche or the gentleman, let it be.